On These Pages Are The Stories Of Our Family We Go Together ! Welcome To The World As Viewed Through Our Eyes
Lynette .......... Caedmon .......... Libby .......... Tom

Monday, August 18, 2008

A Daddy's Ramblings... and Rumblings

Life with baby#2 has been more stressful and tiresome than I could ever have anticipated. I would not change it for the world because Libby is just about 8 weeks old now and starting to begin to interact with us. We are finally able to get some sleep... once in a while. It is with great anticipation that I look forward to her development as Caedmon has really blossomed into quite an active and engaging toddler. No matter how much I feel about this time, it in no way compares with what Lynette has had to do in order to get through each and every day of the past 8 weeks. I cannot imagine it. When I asked her how she does it... she says it is not by her strength, but by what God gives her. When I think about how exhausting and time-consuming it is to take care of both Caedmon and Libby (and the house) when I am home post-call or on the weekends when I am not working, I often feel guilty that Lynette is by herself most of the days when I am just at work.

My job comes with a great sacrifice of time... time which can never be gotten back. Even though there is great financial security, there are times when I wonder if it is worth it. The fractured friendships in my work-life have never truly healed and at times the strains of those torn relationships continue to push my mind to wish for greener pastures. I even look forward to taking weekend call shifts because I don't have to be in the hospital with the rest of my partners. God made us for work, but so often we do the work we want and not the work He has called us to do. I do feel that I have gotten to be a part of Caedmon's life so far and I now take five or six 24 hour calls per month to ensure that I get to spend more time with everyone. I plan on continuing that as L-girl continues to grow. However, I must remember that the quality of that time is more important than the quantity. Being around more is not helpful if what we do together is not memorable and productive.

Lynette so clearly to me is a shining light for what a wife and a mother should be. Her calling to me is clear. But what about me? Yes, firstly I am a husband and a daddy. In spite of that, my profession as a physician is not all I hope there is when I look back years from now. It is not enough. It does not challenge nor fulfill me. For the most part, I don't see God in it. My job right now is the means to financially provide for my family... period. The joy in daily contact with patients is fleeting. We've been in our new home for a little over a year now and the costs of maintaining it are still in it's early costly stages. Our children do not lack for anything. We are able to buy whatever we feel they need. That is one of the great ironies of money though. Money allows me to do and obtain things that I should have sought God in prayer for (and probably would not have been allowed to have by God). For example, would God have given me a $900 vacuum cleaner even if I had earnestly prayed for one?!? That is another story, one which I hope I won't have to someday shamefully tell. Suffice to say, I forgot to consult Lynette when I went out to make this major purchase. I may never indulge in buying a Porche, but I certainly can afford a creme de la creme vacuum!

As the Bible teaches, money is not in of itself evil... it is in fact neutral. It's what you do with it that shows your true valuation of it. It is an aspect of stewardship that many fail to grasp. For if I truly believe that it is really God's money, would I spend it so freely and frivolously at times? Why don't I use it more to further His kingdom? Why don't I use it more to ease suffering of the poor and needy in the community and in the world? If it weren't for the fact that Lynette, Caedmon, and Libby can have comfort in life, then making money in this manner for me would be intolerable in the long run. I would seek out something that is truly fulfilling, but I wouldn't know where to start. Being a physician is all I know. And since I don't have any other directions in life, then being a money making machine should theoretically allow me to be a funnel of God's money. What is truly missing right now for me is a solid ground in God. We hope to begin a neighborhood Crown Financial Ministries Bible Study with Ashley Hodge, but that undertaking has not materialized yet. Being a part of Crown has always led to some of the closest walks I have had with Christ. I haven't read my Bible this year and it definitely shows. It is during these empty times that I realized that the roots of my faith are not as deep as I wish to believe they are.

My mom had been here this past week and we have sent her onwards to Arizona to visit my brother & sister. She returns here next week for a few days and as she leaves, Lynette's sister Heather will be taking her place. Though having house-guests may be trying at times, we have been blessed by the abundance of family who have loved our children and us enough to come and help us during this time.

I'm back on call again tomorrow, but I had the blessing of having today off (since I was on-call this previous Saturday). Over the past week, I got to watch Michael Phelps win 8 gold Olympic medals (breaking 7 world records) in China. I got to swim with Caedmon this weekend and saw his version of swimming like Michael Phelps - this was a grand display of making as much water splash with his arms as he swam in our backyard pool. I look forward to being able to go and see Caedmon in swim school when I get home Wednesday morning and spend the rest of the day with him.

Lynette is out this evening with her friend. She should be back soon. They both have the baby girls with them. I am thankful for Erin's friendship with Lynette. They have been a source of encouragement for one another as the girls are only a few weeks apart in age. Going through the roller-coaster ride of the first few months of caring for a newborn while chasing 2 year old toddlers has taken it's toll on both families, but we all know that we are so very blessed to have these children and each other in our lives. God has truly shined his light on us and I need to remember that the greatest gift has already been given by Him. We shall all someday stand with Jesus - together, as we enjoy the adventures of eternity. It is our hope to raise our children in an environment that enables them to decide to follow Jesus and someday stand with us as we fully understand all the whys of our lives. Re-reading what I have written... Yes, I can keep on working like this. It is all worth it to see that they are all ok and taken care of. They have become my reason for work... and for now, that is all I need to know when I am in the hospital doing what I do.

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